Weddings and Marriages

When my husband and I decided to get married he was surprised that I didn't have the typical "young girl wedding fantasy". He insisted I have my dream wedding, but to be honest I hadn't spent much time dreaming about any aspect of a wedding. I focused more of my time on my dream marriage.

I can remember as a child my parents expressing that the wedding celebration wasn't nearly as important as where we were married (we believe in being sealed together for eternity in temples) and who we married. I'm grateful my parents instilled such an important concept at such a young age.

I was thinking about this today as I reflected on seeing highlights on TV from a celebrity wedding. It was very clear how important the wedding (flowers, color schemes, pre and post celebrations, guests etc.) was to this young girl and her mother. I started thinking about how little the groom was mentioned and it was almost as if he wasn't important.

This brought on a whole slew of thoughts. I remember a few years back hearing a story about an organist that was approached by a young girl to play at her wedding. As the girl expressed the song she wished to be played as she walked down the aisle, the organist asked if she wanted a more traditional song. The girls reply was, "No, I'm going to save that for my second wedding".

The organist was so shocked that this girl was planning on her first marriage failing from the beginning.  The organist refused to play at the wedding.

(I was just as shocked to hear this story and I quite agree with her response).

A couple years ago I worked with a great lady who was a single mom at the time. Her story of single parenthood was sad. She married her high school sweetheart not too long after they graduated high school with an elaborate wedding (that they may have even gone into debt for). They went away to college and got pregnant.  When they moved back to their home city just shortly after finding out they were pregnant her husband decided that he had enough of the married life and wanted to be wild and free, leaving my friend pregnant and alone. She expressed to me how much she regretted having such an elaborate wedding because she now realized that it wasn't important. This great lady wanted to be married once again but decided that when she married it would be simple because she now knew what was important was the marriage, NOT the wedding. A couple years later she did remarry and I was fortunate enough to be present. It was a simple wedding with less than 2 dozen witnesses present and they are happily married.

So what is the point of all this? Are weddings necessary? YES! The promises and covenants we make to one another are sacred and important.

Is having a wedding celebration necessary? It's nice to allow those we love to celebrate and joy in such an important step in our lives. Do we need to spend lots of money on this event? NO!

What is MOST IMPORTANT is who we marry and the commitment we are making to one another. Don't get caught up in the fantasy of a wedding. Dream about and work hard on the reality of a happy lasting, even eternal, MARRIAGE!

Marriage Contract

I saw this on a friend's blog (Ask Amy). The couple that actually came up with this contract are the parents of one of the greatest woman I know.

I think what they have put together is pretty wonderful and worth considering for every marriage.

Marriage ContractDee & DeAnna Packer
I commit total loyalty to Jesus Christ, His commandments, and you--realizing that marriage and the family are central to God’s Plan of Happiness. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

I understand that my fulfillment as a person does not ultimately depend upon any other person, including you. Though I commit myself to be one with you, I am in charge of my personal happiness. Proverbs 23:7

I accept you as a unique and separate person who is very different from me. I understand I need to deal with those differences in ways that are not critical or judgmental. You do not have to be a carbon copy of me.

· When we collide—because of our differences—I will negotiate with you, invite you to meet me half way rather than insisting you think, act, or believe my way. “Learn to listen, listen to learn”… "With all thy getting, get UNDERSTANDING." Proverbs 4: 7

· I will not relentlessly complain about you. If I am constantly unhappy, I will look inward for ways of changing me so I can feel better. Proverbs 21:19

When I do need changes, I will ask for them, using kind language (“Would you be willing…,” etc.). I will take responsibility for inviting rather than demanding changes from you.

· I will allow you to say no, and will also exercise that right when I do not feel good about giving what you’ve requested. However, instead of a flat “no,” I will make counter-proposals to try to find a solution that will meet your needs and mine. If I say yes to you, I will give what you want without resentment.

I recognize that when I get angry with you, it is because I am creating anger in myself. I realize, too, that I am responsible for expressing my anger in ways that are not destructive to you.

· No matter how angry or upset I get, I will never threaten to, or actually harm you or myself. If I tend to become harsh or abusive when I get angry, I will take immediate steps to learn how to avoid such behavior.

· I will not use anger, or sulking, or continuing to be hurt as methods of controlling you. Neither will I use criticism or pin pricks to pressure you to do what I want. I will not call the relationship into jeopardy if we quarrel by threatening to leave you or to end the relationship. “Church callings are temporary…family relationships are permanent.” Dallin H. Oaks Oct. 2005 (What is the difference between admonition and criticism? D&C 6:19)

I give highest priority to my loyalty to you. I will not reveal confidences you have shared with me without advance permission. I will not embarrass you by airing our differences or by drawing other people into our conflicts.

· I will not make you the brunt of jokes.

· I will not flirt or give ‘come-on’ signals to others that will humiliate you and undermine our relationship.

· I will put your needs before those of outsiders, and I will protect you from criticism by not complaining to these people.

When I am happy with you, I will tell the world. When I am unhappy with you, I will tell only you. If I genuinely need help, I will confide in someone who can give aid rather than someone who will just agree with me.

· I will consistently give you feedback concerning your positive qualities, actions and growth.

. I will keep my negative feedback to a minimum and my positive feedback to a maximum.

I will keep my body healthy and attractive. But, realizing that perfection is unrealistic, I give you, and myself, the right not to be a perfect “10.” I will also find challenges to keep myself mentally alert. D&C 89

I recognize I do not “own” or “possess” you. Because of this, I will refrain from using words like “allow” or “let” or “can’t” in reference to your activities. I ask that you extend the courtesy of coordinating your schedule with mine, but I do not expect you to ask permission to do the things you wish.

· I will not try to control or manipulate you with sex or money. I will share equal responsibility with you for planning our mutual finances and for making joint decisions about major expenditures.

· I place high value on our love and will be open to you sexually. If at times I may not feel available, I will tell you kindly and directly.

· I give you the right to “private” time—time to pursue individual interests, to enjoy solitude, or to do nothing. I will give you that time without complaint or penalty.

. I give high priority to creating “we” times that bond us together. I will often reach out to talk to you, to be affectionate, and to work and play side by side I will remember that truly, "two are better than one." Ecclesiastes 4:9

Love and Commitment

I just love this lady. I think about this post often.

Wes and Lori are perhaps the best example of a couple in love. The sacrifice for each other and always put the other first. Take a couple minutes and read what Lori has to say about Love and Commitment.

"Every Tuesday I attend a class taught by a licenced and practicing psychologist. Topics range from depression to academic success, and our discussions are generally very thought-provoking and insightful.

A couple weeks ago, our topic regarded, in part, the challenges inherent in choice. Our teacher cited a study that was so interesting to me. Will you play along for a moment?

It was a home decor experiment on its face: participants were divided into two groups and given the chance to choose a poster or piece of artwork from a large selection. Members of Group 1 were asked to make their selection with the assurance that they could return and make exchanges at will. They could trade their picture at any time. Members of Group 2, however, were asked to make their choice with the understanding that their decision would be final. They could keep the art - no charge - but they could not trade.

After a time, participants in the study were surveyed to determine which individuals were more satisfied with their choices- the ones who could exchange or the ones who could not.

What would you guess?

Many members of our class were surprised to discover higher rates of satisfaction among participants who were not allowed to exchange their choice.

The reason?
Comparison.
The participants who were invited to trade their artwork at will were constantly comparing - constantly wondering if they couldn't find something a little better, while those who could not trade were content.

Fascinating, isn't it?
I've thought a lot about that concept in relation to relationships - about how our satisfaction and love truly increase when we commit and stop comparing.

I experienced that increase seven and a half years ago. On July 12, 2002, Wes asked me to marry him. Our engagement wasn't a surprise. We were in LOVE. We'd been talking about getting married for over a month. But something did surprise me: the feelings I had for Wes when I woke up on July 13th were not the same feelings I'd had through our courtship. The love I felt on the morning of July 13th was markedly different. It had increased exponentially. Overnight. I wrote in my journal something like: "It's amazing how much commitment increases love."

It is amazing. And real. But only when the commitment is real, and when we allow it to limit other options.

When Wes was a little boy he heard about a divorce in a friend's family at school and later brought up the subject with his parents. He has never forgotten their reassuring response: "Divorce is not an option for us." That was all he needed to hear. He hasn't worried about their marriage since.

He shared that impactful memory with me before we were engaged and I knew that I wanted my own marriage to be couched in that kind of commitment. (I'm not saying that divorce isn't sometimes necessary. But I don't believe it is often necessary.) Because isn't there power in that kind of commitment? The kind that says, "I choose you. For keeps. Forever." Isn't there power in the kind of commitment that ceases searching for a someone or a something that might be better? Isn't there power in the kind of commitment that gives all and not part?

We've found that there is power in that kind of commitment. Power and satisfaction, and security. That kind of commitment - devoid of comparison, full of contentment -is what makes marriage "more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive." (Spencer W. Kimball). And in this modern world of overwhelming options, we wish we could shout:

Don't be afraid to choose! Don't be afraid to commit! Don't be afraid to love.

Marriage is worth it.
Trust us."

Never Be Ashamed of Your Role as Mother

In October of 2005, Sister Bonnie D. Parkin, then the R.S. General President, gave a talk entitled "Sweet Moments". In this talk she told a story to illustrate the importance of being a mother.

"Sometimes that love comes in unexpected ways. Kristen was finishing a graduate degree and had recently given birth to her second child. She felt the other graduates had accomplished so much more and was reluctant to attend the graduation dinner. Her fears were confirmed when, at the dinner, the students were asked to list their professional accomplishments. Kristen recalled: 'I suddenly felt embarrassed and ashamed. I had nothing to call myself, no lofty position, no impressive job title.' To make matters worse, the professor read the lists as he presented a diploma to each student. The woman ahead of Kristen had many accomplishments: she already had a PhD, was receiving a second master’s degree, and she’d even been a mayor! The woman received grand applause.

"Then it was Kristen’s turn. She handed the professor her blank sheet, trying to hold back the tears. The professor had been one of her teachers and had praised her performance. He looked at her blank paper. Without missing a beat he announced, 'Kristen holds the most critical role in all of society.' He was quiet for a few seconds, then declared in a powerful voice, 'She is the mother of her children.' Instead of a few courteous claps, people rose to their feet. There was just one standing ovation that night; it was for the mother in the room.

"Mothers, you are instruments in God’s hands, with a divine responsibility to teach and nurture your children. Little ones so need your kind and loving hand. As you put them first, He will direct you how to best serve them."

Motherhood is not an easy job. It is often unrecognized by mortals, but our Father in heaven knows our efforts and has not forgotten us. He will guide us as we seek to teach his children in righteousness and there is no better thing we can do on this earth.

Mothers: Builders of the Future

A wise, insightful friend of mine made this beautiful post.

I hope you take a chance to read it. It's not long, but so true.

As Mothers we are builders. Builders of the future men and women. Builders of character. Builders of souls.

What an amazing responsibility!