Weddings and Marriages

When my husband and I decided to get married he was surprised that I didn't have the typical "young girl wedding fantasy". He insisted I have my dream wedding, but to be honest I hadn't spent much time dreaming about any aspect of a wedding. I focused more of my time on my dream marriage.

I can remember as a child my parents expressing that the wedding celebration wasn't nearly as important as where we were married (we believe in being sealed together for eternity in temples) and who we married. I'm grateful my parents instilled such an important concept at such a young age.

I was thinking about this today as I reflected on seeing highlights on TV from a celebrity wedding. It was very clear how important the wedding (flowers, color schemes, pre and post celebrations, guests etc.) was to this young girl and her mother. I started thinking about how little the groom was mentioned and it was almost as if he wasn't important.

This brought on a whole slew of thoughts. I remember a few years back hearing a story about an organist that was approached by a young girl to play at her wedding. As the girl expressed the song she wished to be played as she walked down the aisle, the organist asked if she wanted a more traditional song. The girls reply was, "No, I'm going to save that for my second wedding".

The organist was so shocked that this girl was planning on her first marriage failing from the beginning.  The organist refused to play at the wedding.

(I was just as shocked to hear this story and I quite agree with her response).

A couple years ago I worked with a great lady who was a single mom at the time. Her story of single parenthood was sad. She married her high school sweetheart not too long after they graduated high school with an elaborate wedding (that they may have even gone into debt for). They went away to college and got pregnant.  When they moved back to their home city just shortly after finding out they were pregnant her husband decided that he had enough of the married life and wanted to be wild and free, leaving my friend pregnant and alone. She expressed to me how much she regretted having such an elaborate wedding because she now realized that it wasn't important. This great lady wanted to be married once again but decided that when she married it would be simple because she now knew what was important was the marriage, NOT the wedding. A couple years later she did remarry and I was fortunate enough to be present. It was a simple wedding with less than 2 dozen witnesses present and they are happily married.

So what is the point of all this? Are weddings necessary? YES! The promises and covenants we make to one another are sacred and important.

Is having a wedding celebration necessary? It's nice to allow those we love to celebrate and joy in such an important step in our lives. Do we need to spend lots of money on this event? NO!

What is MOST IMPORTANT is who we marry and the commitment we are making to one another. Don't get caught up in the fantasy of a wedding. Dream about and work hard on the reality of a happy lasting, even eternal, MARRIAGE!

Marriage Contract

I saw this on a friend's blog (Ask Amy). The couple that actually came up with this contract are the parents of one of the greatest woman I know.

I think what they have put together is pretty wonderful and worth considering for every marriage.

Marriage ContractDee & DeAnna Packer
I commit total loyalty to Jesus Christ, His commandments, and you--realizing that marriage and the family are central to God’s Plan of Happiness. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

I understand that my fulfillment as a person does not ultimately depend upon any other person, including you. Though I commit myself to be one with you, I am in charge of my personal happiness. Proverbs 23:7

I accept you as a unique and separate person who is very different from me. I understand I need to deal with those differences in ways that are not critical or judgmental. You do not have to be a carbon copy of me.

· When we collide—because of our differences—I will negotiate with you, invite you to meet me half way rather than insisting you think, act, or believe my way. “Learn to listen, listen to learn”… "With all thy getting, get UNDERSTANDING." Proverbs 4: 7

· I will not relentlessly complain about you. If I am constantly unhappy, I will look inward for ways of changing me so I can feel better. Proverbs 21:19

When I do need changes, I will ask for them, using kind language (“Would you be willing…,” etc.). I will take responsibility for inviting rather than demanding changes from you.

· I will allow you to say no, and will also exercise that right when I do not feel good about giving what you’ve requested. However, instead of a flat “no,” I will make counter-proposals to try to find a solution that will meet your needs and mine. If I say yes to you, I will give what you want without resentment.

I recognize that when I get angry with you, it is because I am creating anger in myself. I realize, too, that I am responsible for expressing my anger in ways that are not destructive to you.

· No matter how angry or upset I get, I will never threaten to, or actually harm you or myself. If I tend to become harsh or abusive when I get angry, I will take immediate steps to learn how to avoid such behavior.

· I will not use anger, or sulking, or continuing to be hurt as methods of controlling you. Neither will I use criticism or pin pricks to pressure you to do what I want. I will not call the relationship into jeopardy if we quarrel by threatening to leave you or to end the relationship. “Church callings are temporary…family relationships are permanent.” Dallin H. Oaks Oct. 2005 (What is the difference between admonition and criticism? D&C 6:19)

I give highest priority to my loyalty to you. I will not reveal confidences you have shared with me without advance permission. I will not embarrass you by airing our differences or by drawing other people into our conflicts.

· I will not make you the brunt of jokes.

· I will not flirt or give ‘come-on’ signals to others that will humiliate you and undermine our relationship.

· I will put your needs before those of outsiders, and I will protect you from criticism by not complaining to these people.

When I am happy with you, I will tell the world. When I am unhappy with you, I will tell only you. If I genuinely need help, I will confide in someone who can give aid rather than someone who will just agree with me.

· I will consistently give you feedback concerning your positive qualities, actions and growth.

. I will keep my negative feedback to a minimum and my positive feedback to a maximum.

I will keep my body healthy and attractive. But, realizing that perfection is unrealistic, I give you, and myself, the right not to be a perfect “10.” I will also find challenges to keep myself mentally alert. D&C 89

I recognize I do not “own” or “possess” you. Because of this, I will refrain from using words like “allow” or “let” or “can’t” in reference to your activities. I ask that you extend the courtesy of coordinating your schedule with mine, but I do not expect you to ask permission to do the things you wish.

· I will not try to control or manipulate you with sex or money. I will share equal responsibility with you for planning our mutual finances and for making joint decisions about major expenditures.

· I place high value on our love and will be open to you sexually. If at times I may not feel available, I will tell you kindly and directly.

· I give you the right to “private” time—time to pursue individual interests, to enjoy solitude, or to do nothing. I will give you that time without complaint or penalty.

. I give high priority to creating “we” times that bond us together. I will often reach out to talk to you, to be affectionate, and to work and play side by side I will remember that truly, "two are better than one." Ecclesiastes 4:9