Supoorting your spouse

Maybe this is old fashioned, but I grew up being taught that you go where your husband leads your family. 
My mother grew up her entire life in the same city.  College was her first experience living outside of the state she grew up in.  When she married my dad she was aware that he had an obligation to the US Army (through a college military scholarship).  Although he was only in the military for four years, that was the beginning of many moves for my parents. 
My dad grew up with a military father, was acustomed to moving and, I think, enjoyed it.

I was always impressed with how my mother supported my father in each endevor that led our family to another move. 

When my husband and I were dating, he asked me one night where my ideal place to live would be. I had never really thought about it because I had made up in my mind that where ever my husband was would be my ideal place to live.  You see, I had always dreamed of being a mother.  Staying home with my children and nurturing them.  In college I developed dreams of becoming a Marrige and Family Therapist or counselor, but my first dream was to be a mother.  I had many examples around me of great women who were mothers to their children and once they were grown, went on to develop careers and influence others around them.  Since my first dream was to be home with my children, I knew my husband would have to work hard in order to provide enough for me to not work.  Because this would require sacrifices on his part, I figured the least I could do is support him in whatever he did or where ever he worked in order to provide for us.

Towards the end of my husband's second year in dental school he began talking about having an interest in Oral Surgery.  He spoke very casually about the interest but I began to prepare myself for the possibility.  I knew it would be difficult and I knew it would take our family far from what we were used to (both of us being native to the west coast and the majority of OMS programs being located on the east coast).  But thanks to the great examples my parents were, it wasn't difficult for me.  Instead of deciding IF I would be willing to move across the country, I began making a mental list of all the good I could find from it. 

I've been thinking lately about individuals in my life.  I've been surprised by some of them and their seemingly unwillingness to support their spouse.  I have witnessed a couple where the husband suffered through a job he hated for over thirty years in order to provide a extremely comfortable life for his family in the present and in the future.  His one dream requires a time commitment and a temporary move for him and his spouse.  However, his spouse doesn't seem to be completey on board.  Instead she is worried about what SHE wants.  It baffles me...

I understand that every family situation is different, and the family dynamics my husband and I have are not the right thing for every family, but whatever our family situation is, we are here to love and care for one another.  Part of that means supporting each other and encouraging each other to do good things, even if it means sacrifice on our end.

Weddings and Marriages

When my husband and I decided to get married he was surprised that I didn't have the typical "young girl wedding fantasy". He insisted I have my dream wedding, but to be honest I hadn't spent much time dreaming about any aspect of a wedding. I focused more of my time on my dream marriage.

I can remember as a child my parents expressing that the wedding celebration wasn't nearly as important as where we were married (we believe in being sealed together for eternity in temples) and who we married. I'm grateful my parents instilled such an important concept at such a young age.

I was thinking about this today as I reflected on seeing highlights on TV from a celebrity wedding. It was very clear how important the wedding (flowers, color schemes, pre and post celebrations, guests etc.) was to this young girl and her mother. I started thinking about how little the groom was mentioned and it was almost as if he wasn't important.

This brought on a whole slew of thoughts. I remember a few years back hearing a story about an organist that was approached by a young girl to play at her wedding. As the girl expressed the song she wished to be played as she walked down the aisle, the organist asked if she wanted a more traditional song. The girls reply was, "No, I'm going to save that for my second wedding".

The organist was so shocked that this girl was planning on her first marriage failing from the beginning.  The organist refused to play at the wedding.

(I was just as shocked to hear this story and I quite agree with her response).

A couple years ago I worked with a great lady who was a single mom at the time. Her story of single parenthood was sad. She married her high school sweetheart not too long after they graduated high school with an elaborate wedding (that they may have even gone into debt for). They went away to college and got pregnant.  When they moved back to their home city just shortly after finding out they were pregnant her husband decided that he had enough of the married life and wanted to be wild and free, leaving my friend pregnant and alone. She expressed to me how much she regretted having such an elaborate wedding because she now realized that it wasn't important. This great lady wanted to be married once again but decided that when she married it would be simple because she now knew what was important was the marriage, NOT the wedding. A couple years later she did remarry and I was fortunate enough to be present. It was a simple wedding with less than 2 dozen witnesses present and they are happily married.

So what is the point of all this? Are weddings necessary? YES! The promises and covenants we make to one another are sacred and important.

Is having a wedding celebration necessary? It's nice to allow those we love to celebrate and joy in such an important step in our lives. Do we need to spend lots of money on this event? NO!

What is MOST IMPORTANT is who we marry and the commitment we are making to one another. Don't get caught up in the fantasy of a wedding. Dream about and work hard on the reality of a happy lasting, even eternal, MARRIAGE!

Marriage Contract

I saw this on a friend's blog (Ask Amy). The couple that actually came up with this contract are the parents of one of the greatest woman I know.

I think what they have put together is pretty wonderful and worth considering for every marriage.

Marriage ContractDee & DeAnna Packer
I commit total loyalty to Jesus Christ, His commandments, and you--realizing that marriage and the family are central to God’s Plan of Happiness. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

I understand that my fulfillment as a person does not ultimately depend upon any other person, including you. Though I commit myself to be one with you, I am in charge of my personal happiness. Proverbs 23:7

I accept you as a unique and separate person who is very different from me. I understand I need to deal with those differences in ways that are not critical or judgmental. You do not have to be a carbon copy of me.

· When we collide—because of our differences—I will negotiate with you, invite you to meet me half way rather than insisting you think, act, or believe my way. “Learn to listen, listen to learn”… "With all thy getting, get UNDERSTANDING." Proverbs 4: 7

· I will not relentlessly complain about you. If I am constantly unhappy, I will look inward for ways of changing me so I can feel better. Proverbs 21:19

When I do need changes, I will ask for them, using kind language (“Would you be willing…,” etc.). I will take responsibility for inviting rather than demanding changes from you.

· I will allow you to say no, and will also exercise that right when I do not feel good about giving what you’ve requested. However, instead of a flat “no,” I will make counter-proposals to try to find a solution that will meet your needs and mine. If I say yes to you, I will give what you want without resentment.

I recognize that when I get angry with you, it is because I am creating anger in myself. I realize, too, that I am responsible for expressing my anger in ways that are not destructive to you.

· No matter how angry or upset I get, I will never threaten to, or actually harm you or myself. If I tend to become harsh or abusive when I get angry, I will take immediate steps to learn how to avoid such behavior.

· I will not use anger, or sulking, or continuing to be hurt as methods of controlling you. Neither will I use criticism or pin pricks to pressure you to do what I want. I will not call the relationship into jeopardy if we quarrel by threatening to leave you or to end the relationship. “Church callings are temporary…family relationships are permanent.” Dallin H. Oaks Oct. 2005 (What is the difference between admonition and criticism? D&C 6:19)

I give highest priority to my loyalty to you. I will not reveal confidences you have shared with me without advance permission. I will not embarrass you by airing our differences or by drawing other people into our conflicts.

· I will not make you the brunt of jokes.

· I will not flirt or give ‘come-on’ signals to others that will humiliate you and undermine our relationship.

· I will put your needs before those of outsiders, and I will protect you from criticism by not complaining to these people.

When I am happy with you, I will tell the world. When I am unhappy with you, I will tell only you. If I genuinely need help, I will confide in someone who can give aid rather than someone who will just agree with me.

· I will consistently give you feedback concerning your positive qualities, actions and growth.

. I will keep my negative feedback to a minimum and my positive feedback to a maximum.

I will keep my body healthy and attractive. But, realizing that perfection is unrealistic, I give you, and myself, the right not to be a perfect “10.” I will also find challenges to keep myself mentally alert. D&C 89

I recognize I do not “own” or “possess” you. Because of this, I will refrain from using words like “allow” or “let” or “can’t” in reference to your activities. I ask that you extend the courtesy of coordinating your schedule with mine, but I do not expect you to ask permission to do the things you wish.

· I will not try to control or manipulate you with sex or money. I will share equal responsibility with you for planning our mutual finances and for making joint decisions about major expenditures.

· I place high value on our love and will be open to you sexually. If at times I may not feel available, I will tell you kindly and directly.

· I give you the right to “private” time—time to pursue individual interests, to enjoy solitude, or to do nothing. I will give you that time without complaint or penalty.

. I give high priority to creating “we” times that bond us together. I will often reach out to talk to you, to be affectionate, and to work and play side by side I will remember that truly, "two are better than one." Ecclesiastes 4:9

Love and Commitment

I just love this lady. I think about this post often.

Wes and Lori are perhaps the best example of a couple in love. The sacrifice for each other and always put the other first. Take a couple minutes and read what Lori has to say about Love and Commitment.

"Every Tuesday I attend a class taught by a licenced and practicing psychologist. Topics range from depression to academic success, and our discussions are generally very thought-provoking and insightful.

A couple weeks ago, our topic regarded, in part, the challenges inherent in choice. Our teacher cited a study that was so interesting to me. Will you play along for a moment?

It was a home decor experiment on its face: participants were divided into two groups and given the chance to choose a poster or piece of artwork from a large selection. Members of Group 1 were asked to make their selection with the assurance that they could return and make exchanges at will. They could trade their picture at any time. Members of Group 2, however, were asked to make their choice with the understanding that their decision would be final. They could keep the art - no charge - but they could not trade.

After a time, participants in the study were surveyed to determine which individuals were more satisfied with their choices- the ones who could exchange or the ones who could not.

What would you guess?

Many members of our class were surprised to discover higher rates of satisfaction among participants who were not allowed to exchange their choice.

The reason?
Comparison.
The participants who were invited to trade their artwork at will were constantly comparing - constantly wondering if they couldn't find something a little better, while those who could not trade were content.

Fascinating, isn't it?
I've thought a lot about that concept in relation to relationships - about how our satisfaction and love truly increase when we commit and stop comparing.

I experienced that increase seven and a half years ago. On July 12, 2002, Wes asked me to marry him. Our engagement wasn't a surprise. We were in LOVE. We'd been talking about getting married for over a month. But something did surprise me: the feelings I had for Wes when I woke up on July 13th were not the same feelings I'd had through our courtship. The love I felt on the morning of July 13th was markedly different. It had increased exponentially. Overnight. I wrote in my journal something like: "It's amazing how much commitment increases love."

It is amazing. And real. But only when the commitment is real, and when we allow it to limit other options.

When Wes was a little boy he heard about a divorce in a friend's family at school and later brought up the subject with his parents. He has never forgotten their reassuring response: "Divorce is not an option for us." That was all he needed to hear. He hasn't worried about their marriage since.

He shared that impactful memory with me before we were engaged and I knew that I wanted my own marriage to be couched in that kind of commitment. (I'm not saying that divorce isn't sometimes necessary. But I don't believe it is often necessary.) Because isn't there power in that kind of commitment? The kind that says, "I choose you. For keeps. Forever." Isn't there power in the kind of commitment that ceases searching for a someone or a something that might be better? Isn't there power in the kind of commitment that gives all and not part?

We've found that there is power in that kind of commitment. Power and satisfaction, and security. That kind of commitment - devoid of comparison, full of contentment -is what makes marriage "more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive." (Spencer W. Kimball). And in this modern world of overwhelming options, we wish we could shout:

Don't be afraid to choose! Don't be afraid to commit! Don't be afraid to love.

Marriage is worth it.
Trust us."

A Team

My good friend wrote this the other day on her blog. Love this girl.

"Go team!" That's what Kendall said when he saw me sitting on the floor of the law library this afternoon. I was there reading while Luke studied in his carrel next to me. Luke made it successfully through his first week of practice court; he's been working so hard. Read, eat, sleep. That's all. And not much of the eating and sleeping, really. But he's handling it so well, and I know he's going to keep doing that.Kendall looked a Luke's PC stuff (binders full of cases to be read and boxes full of more cases), asked a few questions about how he had it organized, and mentioned that his wife was going to help him get his in order. I liked that he said that, and I tried to imagine a world in which Luke would need my help with that kind of thing. Unimaginable.There are a lot of things that Luke will never need my help with; he's one of the most capable people that I have ever met. In a side-by-side comparison, he'd come out ahead of me a million times over. His strength, stability, and independence are some of the things that I love the most about him. But no matter how much I value those traits (and I do - very very much), being around someone like that that can make it easy for a girl to feel awfully small sometimes.But I'm learning something important: that there are a lot of ways to need someone. Even though Luke will never need my help with most things, and he doesn't need me in the way that I'm used to being needed, he still chooses me. Because he loves me and wants me and needs me in a different way.I liked it when Kendal called us a team, because after all of the mess this summer, I feel like a real team member again now that Luke is back. I feel like I can love and support him the way I want to--in the way that he needs me to. And I like being a part of a team.

What a great reminder that we need to support each other in our righteous desires and efforts and work together as a TEAM to succeed!

Share the Burden

Another Movie Review
I just finished watching the movie:
The Young Victoria
Aside from being a great historical fiction movie
It was a great lesson on relationships, marriage and love.

Since I am not a historian and do not know the actual details of these events, I will be commenting strictly on the events that took place in the movie.

Her good husband, Prince Albert, reminded me of my own husband. Patient, kind, understanding, wise, loving, gentle...and the list goes on and on.

I enjoyed two lessons in particular that we can gain from this story.

The first, is that we need to accept support from our spouse.

We are in it ALL together!

No matter what it is. If he's in school, or you have a difficult job...not mater what, we should be there to support and accept support from each other.

I love the picture above. Victoria is leaning on Albert. Allow him to take away some of her pressure and burden. Marriage is not about one spouse leading the other, but going through life together!

Victoria had a heavy responsibility. Albert was ready and willing to help and support her. She was so reluctant to accept his help, but by allowing her husband to support her she allowed their relationship to grow, respect to increase and the overall one-ness and happiness to blossom in their marriage.

The second lesson I enjoyed learning is to appreciate our spouse.

What a wonderful loving and supportive husband Albert was. Victoria had moments of being very unkind, overly emotional and even hurtful, and yet he still loved her and even risked his life for her. What a wonderful example of commitment and true love.

So, tonight, evaluate the good things in your spouse and the strength of support in your marriage. Thank your spouse for the love and kindness they show to you and decide what you can do to support your spouse more and allow them to do the same.

The Butter to Each Other's Bread

I am absolutely obsessed with marital relationships. I'm not sure why, but everything I watch, everything I hear, everything I do, I relate to marriages and relationships...and I love it!

Today I finished watching Julie and Julia. I heard it was a good flick, so I popped it on. And you know what? I loved it! Not because it was about cooking, or about women, but because it was about amazingly supportive husbands and wonderful marriages.

These women, found themselves in a funk. No children, they didn't enjoy what they were currently doing with their life, so they DID something! They learned! And what did their husbands do? Supported them. Every step of the way. Through meltdowns, through setbacks, through heart aches. How sweet and tender is that?!

My own husband has been a wonderful support to me. When we were first married I still had some schooling to finish up. He finished his job and teaching early morning seminary before he planned to, and we moved to Utah for the summer so I could finish some classes. Then, over the next year, he supported me more as I worked hard to work full time AND complete the rest of my schooling. He would cook dinner, do the dishes, wash the laundry, and comfort & encourage me when I wanted to quit. Now its MY turn to support HIM while he completes the dental school.

I am not saying that a good husband should support his wife in whatever she wants to do. But I AM saying that a spouse should support their spouse in worthy goals. That means it goes both ways. Sometimes you will support your spouse, and other times in your marriage they will support you (or it maybe occur simultaneously).

But happiness in marriage will occur as we support, love, and care for each other.

To quote the movie:

May you and your spouse always be "the butter to [each other's] bread" as you support each other through life!

Optimism in Marriage

Dictionary.com defines Optimism as:
op·ti·mism –noun
1. a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

I believe that we are always happier when we are optimistic. Therefore, if we wish to be happy in our marriage, we should be optimistic in our marriage. We should "look on the more favorable side of events". This means we see our spouse's strengths, not their weaknesses. We see the good and nice things they do for us and others, not the bad or annoying.

(This does not, however, mean that we overlook wrong. If a spouse or family member is abusive, breaking the law, or breaking a commandment it is Not okay!)

Its the little things though. Have you ever heard the phrase: go into marriage with your eyes wide open and through marriage with your eyes half shut.

This means that before you get married you should know your spouse well enough that we see some of their weaknesses. When you get married you don't expect that they will change, or think that YOU can change them. It means you accept them for who they are, decide that you can see past those weaknesses, and love them for all the GOOD that is inside of them and that they are.

President Gordon B. Hinckley was one of the most optimistic people I know.
He shared this about optimism:
"We have every reason to be optimistic in this world. Tragedy is around, yes. Problems everywhere, yes. … [but] you [can] look with optimism, work with faith, and things happen...I am asking that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we accentuate the positive. I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good...that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears."
Gordon B. Hinckley, “Words of the Prophet: The Spirit of Optimism,” New Era, Jul 2001, 4

YES! Let us more fully enjoy that sunshine in our marriages. The happiness and joy we experience with our spouse. Let us see the good, and work together to help each other become better!

Honeymoon Marriage Counselor

My Dad wrote this article over ten years ago. I remember when it was published. It has always stuck with me, and I have found it to be true so far in my marriage. I can only imagine how much more important it will be when my husband and I start having children in the mix.

Read it, Share it, Live by it:

Our stop in the small town was brief, but the lesson we learned has lasted a lifetime.
My wife and I met our first and only marriage counselor on our honeymoon. He was wearing a green forest ranger’s uniform and working in a historical museum in Cedar City, Utah. We met him there while taking a break during our long drive from California, where we had just been sealed in the Los Angeles Temple.
Soon after we entered the museum, the ranger recognized us as newlyweds. He began talking to us and asked if he could share some advice. With our permission, he told us of his aunt and uncle who had recently divorced after some 30 years of marriage. He said they were good people, but over the years they had “grown apart” or “fallen out of love” because they had ceased to do things together. He suggested that even if my wife were sewing, I could go into the same room and at least be with her and talk to her—be together with her.
My wife and I have always remembered this counsel given to us on the day after our union in the holy temple. There we were taught the greater obligation and eternal nature of marriage, a union in which we are to cleave unto each other and become one—in other words, be together.
We have tried to follow his advice in the simplest of ways. We often read books together or discuss a book we each have read individually. We sit next to each other at the dinner table rather than sitting at the head or foot of the table. We sit together at church rather than dividing ourselves among our children. In the evening, we often work on our individual projects in the same room. We regularly counsel together regarding our callings in the Church, home teaching or visiting teaching families, and talks or lessons.
Some years ago when my wife was very ill and in bed most of the day for a period of months, we had little time to be together. My commute to work was long, and when I arrived home there was much work to do: dinner to prepare and children to get ready for bed—then things to clean up. But after all was done, we would regularly spend time, however short, talking and praying together as a couple before we ended our day.
During that same period of difficulty, my wife and I came to realize we had a responsibility to work together to teach our children with the little time we had available. We were often invited to socials and other fun activities. However, we came to realize that some activities seemed to take us away from each other and our children rather than strengthening us and bringing us closer as a couple and family.
It can be subtly tempting to lay aside our commitment to covenants and companion when we are diverted by difficulty and disappointment or when the activities and challenges of daily living demand our immediate attention. How easy it can be to get lost in the world’s fun diversions, the work-a-day world of acquiring position and possessions, or even in spending too much time with our children instead of our partner. It is easy to forget our direction if we are not regularly studying the scriptures along with the words of our living prophets.
President Spencer W. Kimball wrote: “When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste, mentally and physically, … and both are working together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle” (Marriage and Divorce [1976], 24). Although we have never again met our Cedar City counselor, we thank him for his advice: work together, grow together, and live life together.

(Brent A. Fisher, “Honeymoon Marriage Counselor,” Ensign, Jan 1999, 44)

Our Time

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for two years. It has been an interesting journey, but we have been greatly blessed.

I have had a harder time than my husband (because us girls are just emotional like that) but in recent months we have been blessed with peace. With that peace, we have come to see all the wonderful blessing that we are able to experience while we are waiting for our family to start.

I have realized that the only other time we will have to just be US will be after our children are gone, and even then it will never be exactly the same.

I don't condone putting off a family for selfish reasons, even reasons of "US TIME" because it can be taken too far, or become an excuse. But starting a family is a personal choice. It is solely between you as a couple, and the Lord. When we have trust and faith in the Lord, he will bless us with a family when the time is right.

May I suggest, if you find yourself in a similar situation of wanting a family but not being blessed with one yet, that you find the good in the situation instead of stressing over something you don't have control over. Use this time to decide how you will parent. Learn a new skill. Find a way to serve those around you. But most importantly, enjoy the time that you have together and create some forever memories.

(A More Real) Love Story

I came across this from my sister not too long ago.

Its pretty funny. The typical "Love Story" and "Happily Ever After" we grow up with is a bit deceiving. I believe you CAN have a Happily Ever After, but that doesn't mean there won't be bumps along the way. In fact, its my opinion that the bumps are what make Happily Ever After that much more enjoyable!

Check it out:

"Ours is a Unifying Trial..."

I know a wonderful family that are perfect examples of everything this blog is about. They are a loving and caring family, and although they have horrendous trials of their own, they accept them and work through them with such character. On a recent post of this dear mother and wife, she wrote these words:

"Made me grateful that ours is a unifying trial.
Because I know that some trials are not."

I reflect on these words often, and this morning I thought about this wife's particular attitude towards the trial that their family has been going through, that started not too long after they were married. I wondered if it was the trial that was unifying, or if it was their attitude towards the trial that was unifying. It brought my mind to a recent General Conference talk of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

In the April 2010 Conference, Elder Donald L. Hallstrom spoke of how we respond to our trials. (I would encourage you to listen or read the entire talk.)

Elder Hallstrom spoke of many good and bad examples of how individuals, families and couples chose to respond to their given trials. One that stood out was the many trials and tribulations that the Prophet Joseph Smith went through. He said:

"Joseph's confidence in overcoming constant opposition, was based on his ability to continually turn to the Lord."

Elder Hallstrom encouraged us when we have a trial to:

"Without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all of the faith you have in him. Let him share your burden. Allow his grace to lighten your load."

This is exactly why this wonderful family, through heartbreaking circumstance and an unknown future, can continue to experience joy together daily and most importantly be unified. Even days that are extra hard. I know there could be many many different endings to each hurdle they face. But it is becuase of how they CHOOSE to respond that unifies them.

This is what family life, including marriage, is all about. We must work through our trials together. The Lord doesn't expect us to do it alone. That is why we have so many tender mercies, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and most importantly, the atonement.

Elder Hallstrom also suggested that:

"No matter the size of the issue, how we respond can reset the course of our life."

As we respond to our trials with faith and unity, we will be strengthened and we can experience more joy and peace as a family and marriage unit.

May we learn from these great examples and choose to make our trials a unifying one.

Be on the Same Team

Today's Post is by a dear friend of mine who also studied Marriage Family and Human Development at Brigham Young University. Here's what she has to say about being on the same team:

For Christmas Chad's parents gave us the game Stratego and last night I played it for the first time. Chad really liked the game growing up so he's pretty good at it and I, of course, lost miserably. I've always known that I am competitive but recently I've discovered that I am selectively competitive.
If I'm playing a game that I think I'm good at and really should win, I can get pretty vicious. Luckily for Chad, I didn't really mind losing last night so no blood was shed (although, the fact that Chad was able to win using his weakest player was pretty embarrassing).
My question for the day is... where do you think we get our competitive drive? Our parents? Experiences where we lost and vowed never to let it happen again? I don't remember my parents ever pushing us really hard to win anything so I'm not sure that's it. I guess Dad is pretty competitive so he didn't really have to say anything, we just caught on.
If there's anything I learned from being married and watching my siblings in their marriages... its always less contentious if you and your spouse are on the same team. Wouldn't you all agree?

To expound on what she said:

It is so crucial that we are on the same team as a couple. I don't know of any prominent marriage or parenting expert that doesn't encourage a couple to be have as much in common as possible BEFORE they get married. This is why we are encouraged to have the same religion, education, culture, financial beliefs etc. (I know one marriage expert that goes as far as encouraging people to have in common what temperature they prefer in a room.)

When we have these things in common we are more likely to agree on important matters when they arise and it makes it much easier to be on the same team. When it comes to parenting we need to support each other's decisions to discipline or praise our children. Children are confused when don't agree on matters.

To me, being on the same team is another way of saying, "being one". Just as Heavenly Father and Christ are one, so should we be in our marriage (Genesis 2:22-24). Our children should be able to go to each parent with the same question and expect the same answer. The Lord wants us to be on the same side because he wants us to become one. In the book Strengthening our Families, we read that, "In marriage, God intends to create a new spiritual and physical relationship marked by the words 'one flesh'". This should be our goal in marriage. It's not a competition, we are not enemies. In fact, it is just the opposite. We are teammates because the Lord, in his perfect plan, wants us to be on the same team.

"I just would not know how to get along without her..."

President Gordon B. Hinckley served as the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from March 1995-January 2008. He was a great man who loved and served the Lord. There were many things I admired about him.

One great example he gave throughout his life, was how to have a great marriage. He said these sweet and tender words about his wife. I hope we can all feel this way about our spouse.

“I look upon my dear wife, soon to be 92 years of age. Her hair is white; her frame is stooped. I take one of her hands in mine and look at it. Once it was so beautiful, the flesh firm and clear. Now it is wrinkled and a little bony and not very strong. But it speaks of love and constancy and faith, of hard work through the years. Her memory is not what it once was. She can remember things that happened half a century ago but may not remember what happened half an hour ago. I am like that, too. But I am so grateful for her. For 66 years we have walked together, hand in hand, with love and encouragement, with appreciation and respect. It cannot be very long before one of us will step through the veil. I hope the other will follow soon. I just would not know how to get along without her, even on the other side, and I would hope that she would not know how to get along without me.”

Gordon B. Hinckley, “To the Women of the Church,” Liahona, Nov 2003, 113–15

Marrying for the right reasons

This is a pretty interesting article about cohabitation and marriage.

As I read it, I noticed that if these people followed a few basic principles they may have ended up with a happy marriage (probably to someone else).

-relied on the Lord to know if the marriage of right

-didn't cohabitate (it makes it harder to break up if you know its not right)

-kept the law of chastity (some got married because of a pregnancy)

-listened to the wise council of those older and wiser (i.e. parents)

Cohabitate or not?

I know that Cohabitation is becoming more and more popular in our world. In fact we see it all over the TV and movies as common place. My husband and I just watched a movie last night where a couple wasn't interested in the least in getting married, and for all the wrong reasons. If you are trying to decide what YOU think about cohabitation read a couple articles.

Here's one the was just published in USA Today. If one of your reasons is that your marriage will last longer...you might want to think again.

And then, read this beautifully written blog post by one of the greatest, everyday couples I know.

I choose commitment, I choose love, I choose marriage-FIRST.

And if you're curious even further, check out this website.

Marriage and Money

Tonight I was thinking about money and marriage.

Did you know that one of the number one reasons for Divorce has to do with money?

Isn't that sad? So how do we avoid money being a problem in our own marriage?

I would suggest that you make sure you are on the same page from the beginning.

This means that if you aren't married, to make it something that is important to you as you look for a spouse. (See: Nice Extras, Highly Desirable, Must Haves)

Talk to your significant other about scenarios such as:

What types of things are okay to go into debt for?

How do you feel about savings accounts?

How much do you think is a good amount to save?

What are your thoughts on credit cards?

When my husband and I got married and I thought we were exactly on the same page about finances. For the most part we are, but after we got married we found out we didn't see everything the same as the other.

My husband is VERY good at getting a deal with almost anything he buys. He always looks around and makes sure that its what he wants, but at the least expensive price available.

I, however, grew up with a very frugal mother whose financial philosophies rubbed off on me a bit. If you looked up "Saver" in the dictionary you would see:

Saver: One who saves money.

and then there would be a picture of my mother.

That's how I grew up. Save, save, save, and save some more. When you buy something, do your best to get an ultra awesome deal, and don't spend more than you need to.

Even though we don't always see things exactly the same, we have learned to compromise.

I remember a friend telling me about her uncle who was extremely frugal also. He was so frugal, he would drive miles just to save a few pennies. Needless to say, his marriage ended in divorce with money being a factor in the failed marriage.

Likewise, someone who spends too much money can destroy their marriage as well. Obviously if we have bad habits of spending more than we have, or gambling our money away, this can also cause strain in a marriage.

(Understand: I'm not saying frugality is a negative thing. I endorse frugality, as long as it doesn't come between you and your spouse. Your marriage IS more important than money. Over spending, on the other hand, is never good for anyone.)

Bottom line:

Don't let money destroy your marriage. Find a compromise, work together, and decide as a couple how you best want to use your money.

One Flesh

As I was talking with a friend the other day she told me a story about her younger sister who is currently having marriage problems. The cause of these marital problems rooted from an unhealthy relationship with a childhood friend. They are currently working on repairing their marriage but at one point it seemed bleak. This was so sad to me that one person could be the cause of a marriage falling apart. It made me think about this scripture:

Gen. 2: 24
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

This scripture is not implying that we never talk to our father and mother again. But it DOES mean that when we marry we now work out our problems TOGETHER, we share our joys (and pains for that matter) TOGETHER, and most importantly we don't let anything or anyone come between us.

In some marriages one spouse is still being mommy and daddy's child which causes a rift in the marriage. In this case it was a friend. But it could be a plethora of other things: a game, a sport, a hobby, a show, another person, a job...and the list goes on and on.

“Marriage is a partnership of equals with neither exercising dominion over the other, but rather with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.” -Gordon B. Hinckley

Marriage is about supporting and loving each other and above all,

becoming one.

New Year's Resolution

Not too long ago I saw the following New Years Resolution on this blog:

At our last stake conference (a large gathering of several LDS congregations in our area) our stake president shared (with a twinkle in his eye) one of his & his wife's goals for 2010:

Kiss each other at least 3 times a day. 1 kiss has to be at least 12 seconds long.

What a GREAT new years Resolution.

I recommend we ALL try it!

The Gospel is True and I Love You

I saw this story not too long ago posted by one of my sister's very best friends.

I received permission from her to post it here.

It's titled:

The Gospel is True and I Love You

It is such a beautiful example of how marriage should be.

May we all strive a little harder to find the good in our spouse and only speak words of praise.