Supoorting your spouse

Maybe this is old fashioned, but I grew up being taught that you go where your husband leads your family. 
My mother grew up her entire life in the same city.  College was her first experience living outside of the state she grew up in.  When she married my dad she was aware that he had an obligation to the US Army (through a college military scholarship).  Although he was only in the military for four years, that was the beginning of many moves for my parents. 
My dad grew up with a military father, was acustomed to moving and, I think, enjoyed it.

I was always impressed with how my mother supported my father in each endevor that led our family to another move. 

When my husband and I were dating, he asked me one night where my ideal place to live would be. I had never really thought about it because I had made up in my mind that where ever my husband was would be my ideal place to live.  You see, I had always dreamed of being a mother.  Staying home with my children and nurturing them.  In college I developed dreams of becoming a Marrige and Family Therapist or counselor, but my first dream was to be a mother.  I had many examples around me of great women who were mothers to their children and once they were grown, went on to develop careers and influence others around them.  Since my first dream was to be home with my children, I knew my husband would have to work hard in order to provide enough for me to not work.  Because this would require sacrifices on his part, I figured the least I could do is support him in whatever he did or where ever he worked in order to provide for us.

Towards the end of my husband's second year in dental school he began talking about having an interest in Oral Surgery.  He spoke very casually about the interest but I began to prepare myself for the possibility.  I knew it would be difficult and I knew it would take our family far from what we were used to (both of us being native to the west coast and the majority of OMS programs being located on the east coast).  But thanks to the great examples my parents were, it wasn't difficult for me.  Instead of deciding IF I would be willing to move across the country, I began making a mental list of all the good I could find from it. 

I've been thinking lately about individuals in my life.  I've been surprised by some of them and their seemingly unwillingness to support their spouse.  I have witnessed a couple where the husband suffered through a job he hated for over thirty years in order to provide a extremely comfortable life for his family in the present and in the future.  His one dream requires a time commitment and a temporary move for him and his spouse.  However, his spouse doesn't seem to be completey on board.  Instead she is worried about what SHE wants.  It baffles me...

I understand that every family situation is different, and the family dynamics my husband and I have are not the right thing for every family, but whatever our family situation is, we are here to love and care for one another.  Part of that means supporting each other and encouraging each other to do good things, even if it means sacrifice on our end.

A Team

My good friend wrote this the other day on her blog. Love this girl.

"Go team!" That's what Kendall said when he saw me sitting on the floor of the law library this afternoon. I was there reading while Luke studied in his carrel next to me. Luke made it successfully through his first week of practice court; he's been working so hard. Read, eat, sleep. That's all. And not much of the eating and sleeping, really. But he's handling it so well, and I know he's going to keep doing that.Kendall looked a Luke's PC stuff (binders full of cases to be read and boxes full of more cases), asked a few questions about how he had it organized, and mentioned that his wife was going to help him get his in order. I liked that he said that, and I tried to imagine a world in which Luke would need my help with that kind of thing. Unimaginable.There are a lot of things that Luke will never need my help with; he's one of the most capable people that I have ever met. In a side-by-side comparison, he'd come out ahead of me a million times over. His strength, stability, and independence are some of the things that I love the most about him. But no matter how much I value those traits (and I do - very very much), being around someone like that that can make it easy for a girl to feel awfully small sometimes.But I'm learning something important: that there are a lot of ways to need someone. Even though Luke will never need my help with most things, and he doesn't need me in the way that I'm used to being needed, he still chooses me. Because he loves me and wants me and needs me in a different way.I liked it when Kendal called us a team, because after all of the mess this summer, I feel like a real team member again now that Luke is back. I feel like I can love and support him the way I want to--in the way that he needs me to. And I like being a part of a team.

What a great reminder that we need to support each other in our righteous desires and efforts and work together as a TEAM to succeed!

Share the Burden

Another Movie Review
I just finished watching the movie:
The Young Victoria
Aside from being a great historical fiction movie
It was a great lesson on relationships, marriage and love.

Since I am not a historian and do not know the actual details of these events, I will be commenting strictly on the events that took place in the movie.

Her good husband, Prince Albert, reminded me of my own husband. Patient, kind, understanding, wise, loving, gentle...and the list goes on and on.

I enjoyed two lessons in particular that we can gain from this story.

The first, is that we need to accept support from our spouse.

We are in it ALL together!

No matter what it is. If he's in school, or you have a difficult job...not mater what, we should be there to support and accept support from each other.

I love the picture above. Victoria is leaning on Albert. Allow him to take away some of her pressure and burden. Marriage is not about one spouse leading the other, but going through life together!

Victoria had a heavy responsibility. Albert was ready and willing to help and support her. She was so reluctant to accept his help, but by allowing her husband to support her she allowed their relationship to grow, respect to increase and the overall one-ness and happiness to blossom in their marriage.

The second lesson I enjoyed learning is to appreciate our spouse.

What a wonderful loving and supportive husband Albert was. Victoria had moments of being very unkind, overly emotional and even hurtful, and yet he still loved her and even risked his life for her. What a wonderful example of commitment and true love.

So, tonight, evaluate the good things in your spouse and the strength of support in your marriage. Thank your spouse for the love and kindness they show to you and decide what you can do to support your spouse more and allow them to do the same.

Honeymoon Marriage Counselor

My Dad wrote this article over ten years ago. I remember when it was published. It has always stuck with me, and I have found it to be true so far in my marriage. I can only imagine how much more important it will be when my husband and I start having children in the mix.

Read it, Share it, Live by it:

Our stop in the small town was brief, but the lesson we learned has lasted a lifetime.
My wife and I met our first and only marriage counselor on our honeymoon. He was wearing a green forest ranger’s uniform and working in a historical museum in Cedar City, Utah. We met him there while taking a break during our long drive from California, where we had just been sealed in the Los Angeles Temple.
Soon after we entered the museum, the ranger recognized us as newlyweds. He began talking to us and asked if he could share some advice. With our permission, he told us of his aunt and uncle who had recently divorced after some 30 years of marriage. He said they were good people, but over the years they had “grown apart” or “fallen out of love” because they had ceased to do things together. He suggested that even if my wife were sewing, I could go into the same room and at least be with her and talk to her—be together with her.
My wife and I have always remembered this counsel given to us on the day after our union in the holy temple. There we were taught the greater obligation and eternal nature of marriage, a union in which we are to cleave unto each other and become one—in other words, be together.
We have tried to follow his advice in the simplest of ways. We often read books together or discuss a book we each have read individually. We sit next to each other at the dinner table rather than sitting at the head or foot of the table. We sit together at church rather than dividing ourselves among our children. In the evening, we often work on our individual projects in the same room. We regularly counsel together regarding our callings in the Church, home teaching or visiting teaching families, and talks or lessons.
Some years ago when my wife was very ill and in bed most of the day for a period of months, we had little time to be together. My commute to work was long, and when I arrived home there was much work to do: dinner to prepare and children to get ready for bed—then things to clean up. But after all was done, we would regularly spend time, however short, talking and praying together as a couple before we ended our day.
During that same period of difficulty, my wife and I came to realize we had a responsibility to work together to teach our children with the little time we had available. We were often invited to socials and other fun activities. However, we came to realize that some activities seemed to take us away from each other and our children rather than strengthening us and bringing us closer as a couple and family.
It can be subtly tempting to lay aside our commitment to covenants and companion when we are diverted by difficulty and disappointment or when the activities and challenges of daily living demand our immediate attention. How easy it can be to get lost in the world’s fun diversions, the work-a-day world of acquiring position and possessions, or even in spending too much time with our children instead of our partner. It is easy to forget our direction if we are not regularly studying the scriptures along with the words of our living prophets.
President Spencer W. Kimball wrote: “When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste, mentally and physically, … and both are working together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle” (Marriage and Divorce [1976], 24). Although we have never again met our Cedar City counselor, we thank him for his advice: work together, grow together, and live life together.

(Brent A. Fisher, “Honeymoon Marriage Counselor,” Ensign, Jan 1999, 44)

"Ours is a Unifying Trial..."

I know a wonderful family that are perfect examples of everything this blog is about. They are a loving and caring family, and although they have horrendous trials of their own, they accept them and work through them with such character. On a recent post of this dear mother and wife, she wrote these words:

"Made me grateful that ours is a unifying trial.
Because I know that some trials are not."

I reflect on these words often, and this morning I thought about this wife's particular attitude towards the trial that their family has been going through, that started not too long after they were married. I wondered if it was the trial that was unifying, or if it was their attitude towards the trial that was unifying. It brought my mind to a recent General Conference talk of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

In the April 2010 Conference, Elder Donald L. Hallstrom spoke of how we respond to our trials. (I would encourage you to listen or read the entire talk.)

Elder Hallstrom spoke of many good and bad examples of how individuals, families and couples chose to respond to their given trials. One that stood out was the many trials and tribulations that the Prophet Joseph Smith went through. He said:

"Joseph's confidence in overcoming constant opposition, was based on his ability to continually turn to the Lord."

Elder Hallstrom encouraged us when we have a trial to:

"Without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all of the faith you have in him. Let him share your burden. Allow his grace to lighten your load."

This is exactly why this wonderful family, through heartbreaking circumstance and an unknown future, can continue to experience joy together daily and most importantly be unified. Even days that are extra hard. I know there could be many many different endings to each hurdle they face. But it is becuase of how they CHOOSE to respond that unifies them.

This is what family life, including marriage, is all about. We must work through our trials together. The Lord doesn't expect us to do it alone. That is why we have so many tender mercies, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and most importantly, the atonement.

Elder Hallstrom also suggested that:

"No matter the size of the issue, how we respond can reset the course of our life."

As we respond to our trials with faith and unity, we will be strengthened and we can experience more joy and peace as a family and marriage unit.

May we learn from these great examples and choose to make our trials a unifying one.

Be on the Same Team

Today's Post is by a dear friend of mine who also studied Marriage Family and Human Development at Brigham Young University. Here's what she has to say about being on the same team:

For Christmas Chad's parents gave us the game Stratego and last night I played it for the first time. Chad really liked the game growing up so he's pretty good at it and I, of course, lost miserably. I've always known that I am competitive but recently I've discovered that I am selectively competitive.
If I'm playing a game that I think I'm good at and really should win, I can get pretty vicious. Luckily for Chad, I didn't really mind losing last night so no blood was shed (although, the fact that Chad was able to win using his weakest player was pretty embarrassing).
My question for the day is... where do you think we get our competitive drive? Our parents? Experiences where we lost and vowed never to let it happen again? I don't remember my parents ever pushing us really hard to win anything so I'm not sure that's it. I guess Dad is pretty competitive so he didn't really have to say anything, we just caught on.
If there's anything I learned from being married and watching my siblings in their marriages... its always less contentious if you and your spouse are on the same team. Wouldn't you all agree?

To expound on what she said:

It is so crucial that we are on the same team as a couple. I don't know of any prominent marriage or parenting expert that doesn't encourage a couple to be have as much in common as possible BEFORE they get married. This is why we are encouraged to have the same religion, education, culture, financial beliefs etc. (I know one marriage expert that goes as far as encouraging people to have in common what temperature they prefer in a room.)

When we have these things in common we are more likely to agree on important matters when they arise and it makes it much easier to be on the same team. When it comes to parenting we need to support each other's decisions to discipline or praise our children. Children are confused when don't agree on matters.

To me, being on the same team is another way of saying, "being one". Just as Heavenly Father and Christ are one, so should we be in our marriage (Genesis 2:22-24). Our children should be able to go to each parent with the same question and expect the same answer. The Lord wants us to be on the same side because he wants us to become one. In the book Strengthening our Families, we read that, "In marriage, God intends to create a new spiritual and physical relationship marked by the words 'one flesh'". This should be our goal in marriage. It's not a competition, we are not enemies. In fact, it is just the opposite. We are teammates because the Lord, in his perfect plan, wants us to be on the same team.

Marriage and Money

Tonight I was thinking about money and marriage.

Did you know that one of the number one reasons for Divorce has to do with money?

Isn't that sad? So how do we avoid money being a problem in our own marriage?

I would suggest that you make sure you are on the same page from the beginning.

This means that if you aren't married, to make it something that is important to you as you look for a spouse. (See: Nice Extras, Highly Desirable, Must Haves)

Talk to your significant other about scenarios such as:

What types of things are okay to go into debt for?

How do you feel about savings accounts?

How much do you think is a good amount to save?

What are your thoughts on credit cards?

When my husband and I got married and I thought we were exactly on the same page about finances. For the most part we are, but after we got married we found out we didn't see everything the same as the other.

My husband is VERY good at getting a deal with almost anything he buys. He always looks around and makes sure that its what he wants, but at the least expensive price available.

I, however, grew up with a very frugal mother whose financial philosophies rubbed off on me a bit. If you looked up "Saver" in the dictionary you would see:

Saver: One who saves money.

and then there would be a picture of my mother.

That's how I grew up. Save, save, save, and save some more. When you buy something, do your best to get an ultra awesome deal, and don't spend more than you need to.

Even though we don't always see things exactly the same, we have learned to compromise.

I remember a friend telling me about her uncle who was extremely frugal also. He was so frugal, he would drive miles just to save a few pennies. Needless to say, his marriage ended in divorce with money being a factor in the failed marriage.

Likewise, someone who spends too much money can destroy their marriage as well. Obviously if we have bad habits of spending more than we have, or gambling our money away, this can also cause strain in a marriage.

(Understand: I'm not saying frugality is a negative thing. I endorse frugality, as long as it doesn't come between you and your spouse. Your marriage IS more important than money. Over spending, on the other hand, is never good for anyone.)

Bottom line:

Don't let money destroy your marriage. Find a compromise, work together, and decide as a couple how you best want to use your money.

One Flesh

As I was talking with a friend the other day she told me a story about her younger sister who is currently having marriage problems. The cause of these marital problems rooted from an unhealthy relationship with a childhood friend. They are currently working on repairing their marriage but at one point it seemed bleak. This was so sad to me that one person could be the cause of a marriage falling apart. It made me think about this scripture:

Gen. 2: 24
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

This scripture is not implying that we never talk to our father and mother again. But it DOES mean that when we marry we now work out our problems TOGETHER, we share our joys (and pains for that matter) TOGETHER, and most importantly we don't let anything or anyone come between us.

In some marriages one spouse is still being mommy and daddy's child which causes a rift in the marriage. In this case it was a friend. But it could be a plethora of other things: a game, a sport, a hobby, a show, another person, a job...and the list goes on and on.

“Marriage is a partnership of equals with neither exercising dominion over the other, but rather with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.” -Gordon B. Hinckley

Marriage is about supporting and loving each other and above all,

becoming one.

The Gospel is True and I Love You

I saw this story not too long ago posted by one of my sister's very best friends.

I received permission from her to post it here.

It's titled:

The Gospel is True and I Love You

It is such a beautiful example of how marriage should be.

May we all strive a little harder to find the good in our spouse and only speak words of praise.

Relationships with the Opposite Sex

Okay, or not okay?

Let me share a few stories with you:

(retold, but true)

A couple has been married a short time. One night they have a fight over something. The wife decides to go on a run to let out her frustration. While on her run she comes across a fellow jogger, a man. He's a nice, understanding person, as are most people in her community, and she begins to let out her frustrations about her husband to her fellow jogger. Innocent right? Week after week goes by and every now and then she meets this same man on her runs to let out her frustrations. A friendship grows. A friendship subtly turns into something more.

A marriage is ruined.

(personal observation)

Two co-workers, one married, one not, looking for a friendly face to share daily frustrating with. They start to eat lunch together in the work lunch room. They start to eat lunch together in her car. They start to take their lunch somewhere more secluded. Date?

Does anything seem wrong with any of these situations? I've often hear it disputed whether its okay or not to have friends of the opposite sex once you're married. There's nothing wrong with that. You can't be expected to never talk to someone of the opposite sex. Especially in this world where more and more women are in the work place. But what happens to each of these individuals? They often begin to be unfaithful to their partner when they paired off with someone of the opposite sex.

I once had a professor advise us to NEVER be in a situation where we were the only person with someone of the opposite sex. Even if its a crowded place, like a restaurant or a park, if you're paired off, you'll get into trouble. Will this always happen? No. But I personally love my husband and marriage too much to risk it.