Supoorting your spouse

Maybe this is old fashioned, but I grew up being taught that you go where your husband leads your family. 
My mother grew up her entire life in the same city.  College was her first experience living outside of the state she grew up in.  When she married my dad she was aware that he had an obligation to the US Army (through a college military scholarship).  Although he was only in the military for four years, that was the beginning of many moves for my parents. 
My dad grew up with a military father, was acustomed to moving and, I think, enjoyed it.

I was always impressed with how my mother supported my father in each endevor that led our family to another move. 

When my husband and I were dating, he asked me one night where my ideal place to live would be. I had never really thought about it because I had made up in my mind that where ever my husband was would be my ideal place to live.  You see, I had always dreamed of being a mother.  Staying home with my children and nurturing them.  In college I developed dreams of becoming a Marrige and Family Therapist or counselor, but my first dream was to be a mother.  I had many examples around me of great women who were mothers to their children and once they were grown, went on to develop careers and influence others around them.  Since my first dream was to be home with my children, I knew my husband would have to work hard in order to provide enough for me to not work.  Because this would require sacrifices on his part, I figured the least I could do is support him in whatever he did or where ever he worked in order to provide for us.

Towards the end of my husband's second year in dental school he began talking about having an interest in Oral Surgery.  He spoke very casually about the interest but I began to prepare myself for the possibility.  I knew it would be difficult and I knew it would take our family far from what we were used to (both of us being native to the west coast and the majority of OMS programs being located on the east coast).  But thanks to the great examples my parents were, it wasn't difficult for me.  Instead of deciding IF I would be willing to move across the country, I began making a mental list of all the good I could find from it. 

I've been thinking lately about individuals in my life.  I've been surprised by some of them and their seemingly unwillingness to support their spouse.  I have witnessed a couple where the husband suffered through a job he hated for over thirty years in order to provide a extremely comfortable life for his family in the present and in the future.  His one dream requires a time commitment and a temporary move for him and his spouse.  However, his spouse doesn't seem to be completey on board.  Instead she is worried about what SHE wants.  It baffles me...

I understand that every family situation is different, and the family dynamics my husband and I have are not the right thing for every family, but whatever our family situation is, we are here to love and care for one another.  Part of that means supporting each other and encouraging each other to do good things, even if it means sacrifice on our end.

A Team

My good friend wrote this the other day on her blog. Love this girl.

"Go team!" That's what Kendall said when he saw me sitting on the floor of the law library this afternoon. I was there reading while Luke studied in his carrel next to me. Luke made it successfully through his first week of practice court; he's been working so hard. Read, eat, sleep. That's all. And not much of the eating and sleeping, really. But he's handling it so well, and I know he's going to keep doing that.Kendall looked a Luke's PC stuff (binders full of cases to be read and boxes full of more cases), asked a few questions about how he had it organized, and mentioned that his wife was going to help him get his in order. I liked that he said that, and I tried to imagine a world in which Luke would need my help with that kind of thing. Unimaginable.There are a lot of things that Luke will never need my help with; he's one of the most capable people that I have ever met. In a side-by-side comparison, he'd come out ahead of me a million times over. His strength, stability, and independence are some of the things that I love the most about him. But no matter how much I value those traits (and I do - very very much), being around someone like that that can make it easy for a girl to feel awfully small sometimes.But I'm learning something important: that there are a lot of ways to need someone. Even though Luke will never need my help with most things, and he doesn't need me in the way that I'm used to being needed, he still chooses me. Because he loves me and wants me and needs me in a different way.I liked it when Kendal called us a team, because after all of the mess this summer, I feel like a real team member again now that Luke is back. I feel like I can love and support him the way I want to--in the way that he needs me to. And I like being a part of a team.

What a great reminder that we need to support each other in our righteous desires and efforts and work together as a TEAM to succeed!

Share the Burden

Another Movie Review
I just finished watching the movie:
The Young Victoria
Aside from being a great historical fiction movie
It was a great lesson on relationships, marriage and love.

Since I am not a historian and do not know the actual details of these events, I will be commenting strictly on the events that took place in the movie.

Her good husband, Prince Albert, reminded me of my own husband. Patient, kind, understanding, wise, loving, gentle...and the list goes on and on.

I enjoyed two lessons in particular that we can gain from this story.

The first, is that we need to accept support from our spouse.

We are in it ALL together!

No matter what it is. If he's in school, or you have a difficult job...not mater what, we should be there to support and accept support from each other.

I love the picture above. Victoria is leaning on Albert. Allow him to take away some of her pressure and burden. Marriage is not about one spouse leading the other, but going through life together!

Victoria had a heavy responsibility. Albert was ready and willing to help and support her. She was so reluctant to accept his help, but by allowing her husband to support her she allowed their relationship to grow, respect to increase and the overall one-ness and happiness to blossom in their marriage.

The second lesson I enjoyed learning is to appreciate our spouse.

What a wonderful loving and supportive husband Albert was. Victoria had moments of being very unkind, overly emotional and even hurtful, and yet he still loved her and even risked his life for her. What a wonderful example of commitment and true love.

So, tonight, evaluate the good things in your spouse and the strength of support in your marriage. Thank your spouse for the love and kindness they show to you and decide what you can do to support your spouse more and allow them to do the same.

The Butter to Each Other's Bread

I am absolutely obsessed with marital relationships. I'm not sure why, but everything I watch, everything I hear, everything I do, I relate to marriages and relationships...and I love it!

Today I finished watching Julie and Julia. I heard it was a good flick, so I popped it on. And you know what? I loved it! Not because it was about cooking, or about women, but because it was about amazingly supportive husbands and wonderful marriages.

These women, found themselves in a funk. No children, they didn't enjoy what they were currently doing with their life, so they DID something! They learned! And what did their husbands do? Supported them. Every step of the way. Through meltdowns, through setbacks, through heart aches. How sweet and tender is that?!

My own husband has been a wonderful support to me. When we were first married I still had some schooling to finish up. He finished his job and teaching early morning seminary before he planned to, and we moved to Utah for the summer so I could finish some classes. Then, over the next year, he supported me more as I worked hard to work full time AND complete the rest of my schooling. He would cook dinner, do the dishes, wash the laundry, and comfort & encourage me when I wanted to quit. Now its MY turn to support HIM while he completes the dental school.

I am not saying that a good husband should support his wife in whatever she wants to do. But I AM saying that a spouse should support their spouse in worthy goals. That means it goes both ways. Sometimes you will support your spouse, and other times in your marriage they will support you (or it maybe occur simultaneously).

But happiness in marriage will occur as we support, love, and care for each other.

To quote the movie:

May you and your spouse always be "the butter to [each other's] bread" as you support each other through life!

"Ours is a Unifying Trial..."

I know a wonderful family that are perfect examples of everything this blog is about. They are a loving and caring family, and although they have horrendous trials of their own, they accept them and work through them with such character. On a recent post of this dear mother and wife, she wrote these words:

"Made me grateful that ours is a unifying trial.
Because I know that some trials are not."

I reflect on these words often, and this morning I thought about this wife's particular attitude towards the trial that their family has been going through, that started not too long after they were married. I wondered if it was the trial that was unifying, or if it was their attitude towards the trial that was unifying. It brought my mind to a recent General Conference talk of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

In the April 2010 Conference, Elder Donald L. Hallstrom spoke of how we respond to our trials. (I would encourage you to listen or read the entire talk.)

Elder Hallstrom spoke of many good and bad examples of how individuals, families and couples chose to respond to their given trials. One that stood out was the many trials and tribulations that the Prophet Joseph Smith went through. He said:

"Joseph's confidence in overcoming constant opposition, was based on his ability to continually turn to the Lord."

Elder Hallstrom encouraged us when we have a trial to:

"Without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all of the faith you have in him. Let him share your burden. Allow his grace to lighten your load."

This is exactly why this wonderful family, through heartbreaking circumstance and an unknown future, can continue to experience joy together daily and most importantly be unified. Even days that are extra hard. I know there could be many many different endings to each hurdle they face. But it is becuase of how they CHOOSE to respond that unifies them.

This is what family life, including marriage, is all about. We must work through our trials together. The Lord doesn't expect us to do it alone. That is why we have so many tender mercies, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and most importantly, the atonement.

Elder Hallstrom also suggested that:

"No matter the size of the issue, how we respond can reset the course of our life."

As we respond to our trials with faith and unity, we will be strengthened and we can experience more joy and peace as a family and marriage unit.

May we learn from these great examples and choose to make our trials a unifying one.

Be on the Same Team

Today's Post is by a dear friend of mine who also studied Marriage Family and Human Development at Brigham Young University. Here's what she has to say about being on the same team:

For Christmas Chad's parents gave us the game Stratego and last night I played it for the first time. Chad really liked the game growing up so he's pretty good at it and I, of course, lost miserably. I've always known that I am competitive but recently I've discovered that I am selectively competitive.
If I'm playing a game that I think I'm good at and really should win, I can get pretty vicious. Luckily for Chad, I didn't really mind losing last night so no blood was shed (although, the fact that Chad was able to win using his weakest player was pretty embarrassing).
My question for the day is... where do you think we get our competitive drive? Our parents? Experiences where we lost and vowed never to let it happen again? I don't remember my parents ever pushing us really hard to win anything so I'm not sure that's it. I guess Dad is pretty competitive so he didn't really have to say anything, we just caught on.
If there's anything I learned from being married and watching my siblings in their marriages... its always less contentious if you and your spouse are on the same team. Wouldn't you all agree?

To expound on what she said:

It is so crucial that we are on the same team as a couple. I don't know of any prominent marriage or parenting expert that doesn't encourage a couple to be have as much in common as possible BEFORE they get married. This is why we are encouraged to have the same religion, education, culture, financial beliefs etc. (I know one marriage expert that goes as far as encouraging people to have in common what temperature they prefer in a room.)

When we have these things in common we are more likely to agree on important matters when they arise and it makes it much easier to be on the same team. When it comes to parenting we need to support each other's decisions to discipline or praise our children. Children are confused when don't agree on matters.

To me, being on the same team is another way of saying, "being one". Just as Heavenly Father and Christ are one, so should we be in our marriage (Genesis 2:22-24). Our children should be able to go to each parent with the same question and expect the same answer. The Lord wants us to be on the same side because he wants us to become one. In the book Strengthening our Families, we read that, "In marriage, God intends to create a new spiritual and physical relationship marked by the words 'one flesh'". This should be our goal in marriage. It's not a competition, we are not enemies. In fact, it is just the opposite. We are teammates because the Lord, in his perfect plan, wants us to be on the same team.